This blog post has been a long time coming. I have been writing it and re-writing it in my head for weeks now. I guess I was waiting for the courage to see my words form on the page, waiting for it to strike me at the right moment. Today I decided I need to create the courage. That isn’t always an easy thing to do is it? Sometimes we need to just take a deep breath and do it. Just jump into the icy water and know that what is waiting on the other side is incredible. This blog post is personal, emotional, and raw. Being a Gemini/Cancer cusp I find it difficult to allow others to see my vulnerability. But how can I lead women into and through healing, without being the example of healing through my vulnerabilities? I am sharing my experience with something incredibly difficult, painful and healing so that other women who find themselves where I was can have the knowledge that 1) they are not alone and 2) there is light on the other side. There is hope. Here is how I found it.
Let me start at the beginning. My childhood was not the worst by far, but it was not the best either. I have written about it a smidge in another post, but let me do a little recap and possible elaboration.
My mother had a difficult life, and was a hurting, confused, broken human being when she met my father, but I believe she was still able to do a lot to try to be happy and balanced.
When they divorced and she met the man who was to become my abuser, and hers; she fell deeper down the rabbit hole. My mother tried so hard to just survive her heart and mind, that she didn’t have a lot for me or my brothers. As such, I found myself alone. A lot. I did my best to help raise my brothers. I loved them so much I was like a little mother. My father wasn’t really in my life; and most of the men that I had interactions with, from the time I was a small girl until I was adopted, took from me something very precious- my innocence, my girlhood, and my relationship with men and my body.
From this I learned that I was only a tool used for the pleasure of men. I grew to distrust men, and carried a deep seated rage and disgust towards the male gender. So much so that it even colored my relationship with my sons. I cried when I knew that I was having a boy. I didn’t want to add more men to this world. How could my body betray me so much? I have carried a deep hidden guilt for having boys, but I also worked very hard to teach them to love themselves and to be compassionate and loving individuals. I have taught them about respecting girls and women equally with their comrades. I have not hidden myself from them as some women do. I have always done my best to be there for them, loving, compassionate, kind, understanding, and have strong boundaries with them at the same time.
However, I failed to understand my relationship with my husband within these same parameters. The truth is, even though I wasn’t awake to it, I did not trust my husband. In fact, I feared him on a deep and fundamental level. It wasn’t just a question of what if he hurt me; it was a question of when will it happen. Because I just “knew” it would happen. I allowed the fear and toxic thoughts to come up to the surface and it began to cloud everything. I eventually became completely controlled by my fear. This manifested in me trying to control everything, and never being happy with anything that he did. I could put on a show of gratitude, and I tried to be happy, but I just couldn’t.
I became depressed, angry, spiteful, and jealous. I want to add an aside here before we go much further. My partner has his stuff too, and I am not taking 100% responsibility for what happened, however I see how this is as an example of twin souls coming together to help one another by aggravating each other’s issues in order to make a breakthrough. Though painful, this was incredibly healing, because we chose to see it for what it was and work through it.
I am incredibly sensitive. Not only emotionally, but empathically and I know when things are not right. However in my state of fear I could not effectively communicate with my husband in a loving healthy way. Instead I used language of blame, fear, and anger. Because of this approach he felt like he couldn’t open up to me. Over time, we started finding a mile of walls between us. I retreated more within myself, and he found someone else to give him what he was missing in our relationship.
At this time, I had manifested a sick gallbladder and was even further less myself, and even angrier. He found himself in the position of having to take care of an angry, bitter wife. I started taking narcotics for the pain and had less control over the release of all of the toxicity that had built up over the years. My husband was the target, because I knew deep down inside that he was seeing someone else, and he became the representation to me of all of the men that hurt me, used me, abused me, and abandoned me. This escalated so quickly. I needed him, and he could no longer be there with me or for me. He couldn’t be there for himself, and he regressed into his pain even further as a result.
When I found out that he had in fact been seeing another woman I lost it. I lost everything. All of my self-control, all of my self-love (what was left) and my will to live. I found myself in a ball on the floor screaming and crying hysterically, with him telling me he was going to admit me. So I decided I would do it myself. After a few hours removed from the situation, and talking to a social worker in the ER, I decided that everything I worked so hard for in my relationship with my sons was going to fall apart if I did not pull myself together and push through this. If anyone deserved my strength now it was my children. So I made them my focus, until I could make me my focus.
While my boys were at their fathers for the majority of their winter break, I decided I would work on me. I would do my damndest to not let anything my husband did or said get to me. Instead I was going to use it all as a tool for healing. Everything he did and said, I looked at it from a different perspective. Though some of it hurt like hell, I did the work. I started counseling, I began to receive energy work that helped me remove toxicity and speed up the work that I was already doing. I meditated, and poured myself into a book about overcoming fear- “The Mind versus fear” by Hamid Bey. I took care of me, and started giving myself the love I longed for.
Every time I would go to the bathroom, I would look into the mirror while washing my hands and I told myself “I love you! You are so fucking strong and beautiful. I am in awe of you!” Eventually I not only began to feel it, but I began to believe it and radiate it. It became easier to be present with my husband while he was processing. I was able to separate my need for validation and love from this man, and just be a friend to him. I realized how much he was hurting, and I was able to have non-judgmental communication with him for the first time since we had gotten together. I began to forgive, not only him, but myself as well.
During this time I had been unable to sleep, and even the melatonin I took only served to make my unconscious mind bleed into my conscious mind, and I had visions or waking dreams of journeying to the underworld. I saw all manner of things that would frighten me and startle me to full waking. I would hear music that I had never heard in my life, I would hear people talking, and babies crying. And I would see all of the demons that I created within myself, but they had taken form. This house had become possessed by me, my anger, my pain, and I had to face it. This took place constantly over several days. It did not matter if I was awake or trying to sleep. My “ugly” had taken form, and I had to deal with it.
It began with no longer allowing myself to be afraid, and as I took my power back they began to fade. As I worked with the practice of controlling my fear, the more in control I felt, and then after more energy work, I slept for the first night in several days. I slept for like 12 hours. Eventually the dreams were hard, but healing. With every night they became easier to deal with, easier to interpret and during the day I would process them, along with what I was already doing. The change in my husband as a result was tangible. When I was no longer spewing my toxicity at him he began to change, and it was almost like watching him wake from a dream. He began to be more open and receptive. He began to also become more self-aware. As a matter of fact all of the things I was pissed at him for not exhibiting previously in our relationship began to manifest within him, and I realized how much I was actually draining him of his ability to deal with his own stuff.
When we get caught up in our own issues, those closest to us will mirror back to us what we need to see, and I guess I needed to see that I was losing something precious before I would break.
Unfortunately, I needed to break before I could heal. I had spent countless years in therapy, and sought assistance, inspiration, and advice from countless healers over the years in many different forms. None of it worked, because I wasn’t ready for it to work; I wasn’t ready to deal with my pain. It sucks, but the hard truth is that until we are truly ready to journey to the underworld of our minds and hearts, we cannot heal- not fully anyway. I am also here to tell you that as scary as it may seem, it is doable. I had to battle for my life against my “ugly” before I could really appreciate who I am and love myself enough to give myself permission to let it all go. The only thing that mattered to me for one week straight was my survival, and knowing that I was the enemy- I was the one hurting me, I was the one sabotaging everything- made me wake up. I now know that I am stronger than I could have ever imagined. I am in so much awe of myself that I don’t need anyone to validate me anymore. I am so much in love with myself that I accept who I am in, all of my flaws, all of the work that I need to do from here on out, and I can hold myself accountable, while also being patient and loving with me. They say the teacher comes when the student is ready, but sometimes you are the teacher and the student.
Like I said, I shared this so that other women who are struggling can know that there is a way, and there is hope. And if you are like me and do things the hard way, know that you can handle this, and that you are never really alone. I encourage you to take time to assess yourself. Are you fearful? Are you carrying old pain that bleeds out into your current life? Are you inadvertently destroying everything that your heart and soul are working hard at bringing into your life? There is no shame at getting help. There is no shame in realizing that things may be getting out of control.
Everything happens for a reason, and we attract exactly what we need at every given moment, even when it is painful. Get through it, heal it, but most importantly learn to forgive yourself for not being where/who you want to be on your path.
We all have baggage; we all carry it with us, and beating ourselves up for not being “perfect”, being afraid to show yourself to the world as a perfectly imperfect human being, only serves to keep you locked up in that toxic little cage that will be your downfall. Yes, our past contributes to who we are today. But who are you today- the woman who is still the victim; or the woman who is the warrior?
Today I choose warrior, and I dream in Red.