I had my jitters early on. I went through the emotions that I am told by my wonderful husband, every event planner goes through. Feeling doubt in oneself “Can I really pull this off? Can I actually do something that will be worthy of these women?” Then the fear set in “I’m going to just cancel, this isn’t going to work out, and I fail at everything.” Then the day before, I did the dance of “I’m so excited I can’t sit still!” then the two step of “I’ll never get everything done in time!!”. Isadora Gabrielle Leidenfrost Phd was coming to share with us her luscious documentary about the Red Tent, and I wanted everything to be beautiful and inspirational.
And then the purely blissful and humble sense of being on my path and listening to spirit took over. I started to not be attached to the outcome any longer. I started to accept that what will be, will be perfect. I began to believe that the women that come will be the women that need to be there for that exact event. I started to acknowledge that I was just the doorman, and all I needed to do was the work of the physical, the rest would come. And it did.
From the moment Isadora arrived I felt as if we had known one another for years. Every fear, anxiety and doubt that may have been clinging on to my heart for dear life vanished. I knew this was going to be great.
My friend Nikki arrived to help set up, and we began by the three of us setting an intention for the evening, that the women that come find exactly what they are looking for, that they feel safe, and that only peace and love prevail within that space. Then Isadora opened the case of her gorgeous, rich red fabric that was to form our womb like space.
The energy radiating from that fabric was rich and luscious, and healing, and warm, and nurturing. You could feel the love of the thousands of women that have experienced that fabric. It was like I could hear the whispering voices of all the women sharing their stories. I wanted to thank them all for sharing, for loving, for feeling, for adding their energy to this plane of existence. I was honored to be touching it, to be hanging it in my home, and to have it be the space that surrounded us for our very first Red Tent.
After we were finished, the Goddess altar was set up, and everything was in place I looked around my home transformed into this blissful healing womb like space. A sacred space that I felt in my heart was now outside of me, surrounding me, and I was going to share it with people I cared about, and total strangers. I honestly wanted to drop to my knees right then and there and offer up prayers in thanks to every one of the women who have worked so hard on creating Red Tent spaces, for being courageous and strong. For preceding me in this space.
I wanted to thank my Grandmothers, guides, angels, and the Goddesses I work with. A year ago I never would have allowed myself to believe that I would be doing this. I longed for community, and here I was creating the one I (and apparently other women) was yearning for. And finally I was doing what I was being called to do. I always thought that service to the higher good, service to the Goddess would be self-sacrificing and maybe even painful. But it felt good. Really Fucking Good!
I was myself, following my bliss exactly as I am. I didn’t need to be “MORE” first. You know, that ugly thought of “I’m not good enough to do this.” I’m not smart enough, healthy enough, pretty enough, wise enough… whatever enough. Well I say “ENOUGH!!” Because I am enough, I am more than enough, I am perfect for being exactly who I am, where I am on my path. One of the women said during our sharing, “if you build it they will come!” Damn straight they did, and I am so blessed to be in service to these incredible women. I had women who came early and helped to set up, helped my wonderful husband in the kitchen (more to come about that), women that stayed and helped to clean up afterwards, women that came bearing gifts of pillows, and carnelian, and food, and song. Many hands make light work, and I am blessed and amazed. Thank you!
After watching the film we had an question and answer session with Isadora, and there were more comments than questions. The movie had made these women feel validated. They said things like “I really resonated with what those other women were saying.” and “I didn’t know that this could exist.” It made me think that I wasn’t alone in this pursuit of a loving nurturing sisterhood, and the desire to empower other women.
Alisa Starkweather said something in the film that I really got. It was something along the lines of “I know what it’s like to be dirt poor and struggling, I know what it’s like to be that waitress, I have been there, I have struggled, and I am going to do something with it.” That is exactly how I felt, and why I am doing this. I have suffered, I have endured being raised by a mother who wasn’t present, in an abusive situation. I have lived through child abuse, child sexual abuse, rape, domestic violence, homelessness, divorce, single motherhood, homelessness with children, mental health issues, etc… I can’t say I have been through it all, not even close. But if I can take what I have experienced and empathize with a woman going through it, I sure as hell am going to do that. I am going to give what I needed so desperately, and I am going to help heal one woman at a time, the generations of pain and abuse.
After we took a break we had an impromptu singing circle lead by one of the women who came. We held hands and sang to one another “How Could Anyone” by Libby Rodrick. What a wonderful way to connect and get to know one another energetically, by sounding our voices in love! I am so happy to know that these women aren’t afraid to speak up and share.
We followed that with going around the room and introducing ourselves, and sharing why we were there and what we were looking to get out of a Red Tent community. I started out knowing about 4 women out of the group of about 16 women, 3 of them personally, and when we ended I felt like this was a group of women that I would come to call sisters.
Back to my husband (Mark Robert Necamp), who is incredible. I am so lucky to have this man in my life. Ladies I tell you; a loving relationship takes a lot of work, a lot of working through issues, a lot of being present, a lot of not taking things personally, a lot of processing and meta- processing, and communication and listening without judgment which is really fucking hard sometimes. And a lot of admitting, “I was coming from a place of pain and fear, and I was wrong, and I am so sorry please forgive me, I love you so fucking much.” But it has to start with a very strong urge to come out at the end of the day still in love; No matter what. And no matter what, realizing that we are both hurt and flawed creatures learning how to do this while we are in it, and we are in this together, because no matter what we love each other so fucking deeply that nothing can shake us hard enough to break us.
Mark spent the entire day in the kitchen. He made us delicious nourishing food for our event. He put his heart into it, and we could taste it. He stood in the role of the divine masculine supportive and in service to the divine feminine. He held that role alone, and he rocked it. He did it not because I asked, but because he wanted to; because he wanted to help heal that relationship within himself, within the women here, and within the Universe. And I am in awe of that man, and the many blessings that he brings to my life and my heart.
Our next Red Tent gathering will be December the 20th at 3 pm. We will be having a potluck this time, and I am asking for love offerings. Our dynamic will be peer lead, and in December Nikki Ashendorf will be leading us; more information on that to come next week. I love you all, may the sacred dance within your veins, and may you dream in red!