Ayahuasca, and re-Birth

March 22, 2016


I was contemplating not writing this blog post, or putting it here; but upon reflection I realize how very appropriate it really is.  This was a very personal journey that I took with other people.  I will explain more about that in a bit.  We also had a super full moon in Pisces and a thunderstorm rolled in on Saturday.  This is a lot of information, but I am sharing all of this to set the stage for what I am about to share.  Let’s start with some numerology.We had 11 participants in all, and 4 facilitators.  We all met up on August 28th 2015, and our big journey was on August 29th 2015.  I never paid any attention to time the whole weekend, but I am sure that was significant as well, as all things are connected.


11 participants…   The number 11 is a master number in numerology, and I would like to share a bit about that for a moment.  The 11 symbolizes the potential to push the limitations of the human experience into the stratosphere of the highest spiritual perception; the link between the mortal and the immortal; between man and spirit; between darkness and light; ignorance and enlightenment. This is the ultimate symbolic power of the 11.


4 facilitators.  2 Male and 2 female.  The four represents balance and stability.  There are four cardinal points; four seasons; four winds; four directions (as in North, South, East, West); four elements (Fire, Water, Air, Earth) in the western culture.  There are four sides to a square; four arms to a cross. There are four rivers to Paradise, that formed a cross (the Garden of Eden was said to be within the four rivers). Within Paradise were four infernal regions, seas, and sacred mountains. There are four watches of the night and day, quarters of the moon. There are four quarters to the earth. There are four tetramorphs. The Divine Quaternity is in direct contrast to the Trinity. Four is a symbolic number used throughout in the Old Testament. The quaternary can be depicted as the quatrefoil as well as the square and the cross.


We gathered for our weekend on 8/28/2015 which works out to 8.  8/10/8…   10+8=18 18+8=26  2+6= 8.   Spiritually eight is the goal of the initiate, having gone through the seven stages. Eight is Infinity – Paradise regained.  Eight is solidarity as the first cube and it denotes perfection by virtue of it’s six surfaces. There are eight winds and intermediate directions of space. Eight represents the pairs of opposites. The octagon is the beginning of the transformation of the square into a circle and vice versa.  In some myths the eighth day created the new “man” of grace. After seven days of fasting and penance the eighth day becomes plenty and renewal. 7+1 is the number of the octave which is a continual theme in all esoteric belief systems. The knowledge of frequency and sound are a vital key in the ancient “mystery schools”.


Our main ceremony took place on 8/29/2015, which works out to 9.  Nine is composed of the all-powerful 3×3. It is the Triple Triad – Completion; fulfillment; attainment; beginning and the end; the whole number; a celestial and angelic number – the Earthly Paradise.  It is the number of the circumference, its division into 90 degrees and into 360 for the entire circumference.  Nine is symbolized by the two triangles which are a symbol of male, fire, mountain and female, water, cave principles.  Celtic legend symbolizes nine as a highly significant number. It is a central number with the eight directions with the center making nine. The Triple Goddesses are thrice three. There are nine Celtic maidens and nine white stones that symbolize the nine virgins attendant on Bridgit.


Now on to the Super Full Moon in Pisces.  Excerpts from Mystic Mamma:


“This Pisces Full Moon is the first of three consecutive Super Moons—when the Moon is not only at its closest to Earth but also is coming into alignment with both the Sun and Earth.

“We’re entering into our eclipse season again. So these energies will exert a stronger force on all of us. If you work with the energies, expect big shifts in consciousness.

“This Full Moon can certainly open the doors of our perception, bringing an influx of spiritual energies…If we’re not ready for these energies, it can bring disruptive to our collective lives.

“Full Moons bring us awareness of what has been hidden from our ego consciousness. We can expand our ego’s flexibility by staying open to more subtle realms of being and awareness…”

“…the Pisces Moon is aligned with Neptune, amplifying our connection to the spiritual, quantum energies of life.


“This is a powerful channeling of psychic abilities and mystical visions, as well as illusions and fantasies.

“Virgo’s motto is ‘Know Thyself’ and that’s what will make all the difference between this energy filling us with Wisdom or inflating the ego with delusions.

© Copyright 2015 ~CATHY PAGANO  All Rights Reserved


From MOLLY HALL  from Astrology.About.com :


“This is a good one to rededicate yourself to your best choices. Invite your allies seen and unseen to guide you, to rearrange and sort the pieces into new forms…”

“Pisces is a water sign, with an emphasis on the imagination, unity with all life, spiritual longing, transcendence, mystical visions…”

“The Sun is opposite in earthy Virgo, kicking up the instinct to clean house from top to bottom…This is a heavenly time for purification, and to revive enchantment in a big, wholesome way…”

“It’s one of culmination, as the last sign, and of reaping what’s been sown on subtle levels. A key phase I like for this Full Moon is active surrender to wholesome, healing and divine vibes.

“It can be freeing, as soul entanglements are resolved, and baggage floats away on the great sea.”

© Copyright 2015 ~MOLLY HALL  All Rights Reserved


From DIPALI DESAI  from her Celestial Space Astrology :


“It’s possible to experience a state of overwhelm on an emotional level with juggling things now. There may be an urge to gloss over details to escape dealing with reality, yet it is wise not to do this.

“With the Full Moon in Pisces, moving with the subtle ethereal currents is essential.  Pisces is a water element and a mutable mode of energy expression.

“A great perspective to use now is: ‘Yes, I trust in the Divine and the higher Cosmic order and my life moves with these rhythms and guidance. I am willing to surrender the worry and expand faith in daily life.’

“There feels to be a tremendous potential for healing and expanding out of ‘victim consciousness’ into a feeling of acceptance of one’s true Self/Soul…”

“Neptune in Pisces retrograde adds a symbolic layer of having the potential to tune into the non-physical dimensions of reality and thus bringing sensitivity as well.

“Dream-time activity and symbolism may reveal pertinent information, insights and there is potential for receiving  profound Spiritual guidance. An important issue or topic may stand out in a big way revealing the intricate distorted pattern that needs healing and transformation…”

© Copyright 2015 ~DIPALI DESAI  All Rights Reserved


Ok..  Now that the stage is set, I will get on to sharing my personal experience.

We left Michigan at about 3:30 am on Friday the 28th, and drove all the way to Kentucky with some comical moments of me having pee with no bathroom in sight, which meant squatting on the side of the road in the dark and not being able to relax enough to actually release my bladder until after a car actually passed us, getting turned around in construction, etc..  We had a very good journey overall sharing music, ideas, perceptions, fears, and lessons.  After almost 8 hours in total driving time we arrived at our destination. The fact that I was in Kentucky and was about to take Ayahuasca settled in, as well as nerves and apprehension.  We met up with most of our facilitators and followed them to the final destination.  Now, I can’t really give a lot of detail about what happened next, because there is a reason for everything, including having to face things like expectations, and later judgement, disappointment, anger and fear.  And this was necessary for the growth that happened later.


When we arrived and saw where we were actually going to be holding ceremony, and the people who were facilitating all manner of thoughts filled my mind.  Overwhelming chatter of things like “You have got to be kidding me, there is no way this is going to be good.  This is something you might see in a horror movie when all those people are slaughtered, what the hell did I get myself into etc..”  As I’m writing this I’m laughing at myself now.  Oh what webs we weave.  I am so glad that I was already all the way in Kentucky, because had I been closer to home I may have left.  After talking with my companion, she feeling similarly, we decided that spirit led us here for a reason, so let’s at least trust in that.  And I am so glad we did.


The first night of doing Ayahuasca we consumed a small amount to acclimate or bodies to it.  Some people had more, but I was still too fearful to let go.  I sat on my bedroll and began to feel the effects.  My lips began to tingle, I closed my eyes and prayed.  I began to see images which should have scared me.  Images of the snarling snapping teeth of a doberman pinscher, drooling and barking in my face, and I felt no fear.  in fact I remember thinking, I’m not afraid of you and the vision ended.  Suddenly I felt the need to go to the bathroom.  Hearing other people vomiting I thought that was how I was going to purge, but no.  I had diarrhea instead.  the kind that keeps you on the toilet for a while.


After that, I sobered up, or so I thought.  I found myself incredibly disappointed, and angry.  All I wanted was to go outside and smoke a cigarette while I “processed” these emotions, but we were locked in for our own safety.  I was a little snippy with the woman who was looking after me, and I sat down on my bedroll in a humph.  I did not have complete control.


 I had to surrender, and in that moment I found that I had a choice.  I could stew and be angry or surrender to it, and the beautiful thing about the Ayahuasca is that the surrendering was easy and messy at the same time; and with the surrender of that, came the surrender of so much more.  I wanted the comfort of my husband and couldn’t have it, and I began to cry, and then sob.  Racking shaking sobs, squeezing my pillow clutching it to my face and chest while curled up in the fetal position, and I just let go. It was the most cleansing experience of my life at that point.  And I didn’t self soothe and stop either, it just kept going until I was so exhausted I eventually went to sleep.  When I woke with sounds of others stirring about, I ate food, and I felt lighter and free, and I wondered what the next day held.


In our group chat the facilitators revealed that the building they chose, in the location they chose was on purpose, as everything is.  It was meant to push us, to make us question, to make us be faced with those judgements and fears.  And I appreciated the genius behind that.  We all shared our experiences, and found some camaraderie, all of us together.



As we prepared for the next leg of our journey I knew that I was ready to go deeper to face more.  But I still had all of these preconceived notions and expectations.  I mean, I went there to heal from my childhood wounds, to fix my broken, to face my pain and heal it.  Or so I thought.  At this point I was softened a bit, and a lot of fear, pain and anger were skimmed off the surface of my psyche like you skim the foam from boiling broth, and instead of pain, or my past I was faced with love.  Pure unconditional love.  


I was connected to source, as I always have been, I just needed to see it to know it.  I was in so much bliss, just pure bliss, so much so that I was giggling, and feeling the love in my body.  As I began stroking my legs understanding the beauty of my body my hands reached around my belly and covered my womb, and the heat and pain was very apparent very suddenly, and it was shocking to me.  It was not just physical but energetic as well, I could feel it with my hands, and the emotion that overcome me was grief.  I grieved not only for what was done to me, but for what I had done to myself.  All of the negative self talk, hating being a woman, hating on my body, denial of my purpose and power, and divinity as a woman, and I grieved.  I had compassion for myself, I asked myself for forgiveness, and I cried again, in the overwhelming love that I had found for myself.  Once again I purged emotions that I no longer needed to carry.


After the emotional purge I needed another physical purge.  I went to the bathroom, and when I was finished asked politely to go outside and get some fresh air, and connect with the thunderstorm.  The facilitators, recognizing that I was sobered up, helped me outside for a moment, and I drank it in.  The beauty and majesty of it all.  The earth, the power of the thunderstorm, and myself.  Upon re-entry into the space I took another dose of Ayahuasca.  I knew I wasn’t done yet.


This time I began to melt into myself, and I merged back into the connection and the bliss. I began to feel energy pulsing through me from my root chakra all the way up and with each rush of energy I could see the colors of my aura pulse with the chakras.  Along with the pulsing colors I could see a grid that connected us to everything here and beyond.  I sat in this bliss reveling for a few moments, and then i began thinking.  I came here to do some heavy work, shouldn’t I be doing that rather than sitting here in bliss?  I heard a womans voice say back to me “Do you?  You have a choice.  You can hold on to that if you want to and we can do that.  Or you can understand that you are beautiful, already whole.”  I began to argue with her a little..  “but can it really be that easy, don’t we have all this work to do?”  And the response was “you are so beautiful, already whole.”  I still couldn’t wrap my brain around it, “Really?” I asked.  “Really?”  And finally it dawned on me.  Yes.  yes, I am.


That joyous feeling was so amazing, I have no words to describe it.  Pure love, bliss, and ecstasy.  I was rocking back and forth, embracing myself, moving the energy around me, and through me, moaning, giggling, smiling, crying, and thanking everything.  I birthed myself that night, fell in love with me like my own child.  I was in that moment maiden, mother and crone; goddess and human all at once.  And I always was.


The group that my friend and I went to for our journey with Ayahuasca is Ayahuasca in America - Peaceful Mountain Way. Check them out if your interested in using sacred plant medicine to heal.




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