No, this might not be directly Red Tent related, yet I think there are multiple lessons here, so I am going to write this anyway, because though my experience has been unique, it also has not been unique. There are a lot of themes that I know a lot of us share. Over the next few blog posts I am going to address my journey the last couple of years. I say couple of years because this process began before my health took a nose dive, and I think it's important that I address that. If you have been following my blog you know about my history already and we will address how that ties into what I have learned through this, so if you haven't already read that, you might want to.
I'm going to break this up into sections. As I experienced "chapters" so too will this be in chapters, with dedicated blogs specifically for the lessons learned.
I have been through hell. A war of sorts, on many levels. In my attempt to heal, reclaim my power, my strength and my life; I had to dissolve and face death. My brain broke. I died in a manner of speaking when my life became unrecognizable to me and I was no longer able to care for myself. Dissolution. I almost died for real when the depression got so bad that every moment of every day was a struggle to grasp at the threads of life. I did not want to do it anymore. Darkness. I grasped for help as I gasped for air, clawing at the remaining embers deciding to stay alive. Renewed respect and zest for my life. Rebuilding. Healing. Phoenix. And now I want to share it with you.
Before I go there I want to share with you that I did not do this alone. I don't think anyone could survive this alone. Community, family, INTERDEPENDENCE, is underrated... we NEED each other. We NEED LOVE. Without the love of my sister I would not be here right now, writing this. I would still be struggling. This is fact. She believed in me, she held me, she loved me unconditionally. Her strength made me possible over the last year. I love my husband, but he struggled right along with me, and that is hard in it's own way. She was a third party and able to just be present and strong.
I have a lot of other friends and family that have been integral in my healing journey as well, but she was the one person I could break down with, be vulnerable with, show my shadow to, and be raw. And she loved me even more. That is the gift of a Goddess.
I am a believer in the microcosm and macrocosm mirroring one another. Playing together, dancing together in balance in harmony. Like my experience with the Ayahuasca, before I could fully appreciate the beauty of me, and this existence I had to face down my demons. I think that doing EMDR was the beginning of the end so to speak. In my quest to heal from trauma I went to a therapist for EMDR which began a process that gained a momentum that was not to stopped or denied. I began feeling everything again, but instead of staying there I was moving through it. The problem? There was a lot to move through and it was coming hot and heavy. I was beyond due. And I was angry. Very very very angry. Kali was born and she wasn't pretty. My husband and I got into a huge fight, my Mom was diagnosed with early onset dementia, and I broke.
Looking back I could have had a TIA as they run in the family, but there is no way now to know. I started losing my vision, my ability to talk in clear sentences, my ability to think, my ability to walk, the migraines were hell. Then the temporal lobe seizure type symptoms that I discovered called Alice in Wonderland Syndrome and it's a part of my brainstem migraines. They may never go away. Lot's of testing including a spinal tap, MRI's, and bloodwork later I was diagnosed with IIH (Idiopathic Intracranial Hypertension) and brainstem migraines. IIH basically means that I have too much fluid on my brain that mimics a brain tumor. My neurologist and neurosurgeon can't find any evidence of it except for the symptoms however. I'm getting better now, so I have my theories as IIH has no known cure.
More in depth story to come......