Dissolution

March 15, 2018

 

Second Stage - Dissolution

DISSOLUTION is the second major operation in the alchemy of transformation.

Psychologically, this represents a further breaking down of the artificial structures of the psyche by total immersion in the unconscious, non-rational, feminine or rejected part of our minds. It is, for the most part, an unconscious process in which our conscious minds let go of control to allow the surfacing of buried material. It is opening the floodgates and generating new energy from the waters held back.
On the Planetary level, Dissolution is the Great Flood, the cleansing of the earth of all that is inferior.

 

Over the course of that summer Mark came to stay with me and helped me to put my stuff in storage so that we could move to stay with a friend. While we were staying with that friend we overcame some hardships and I'm not going to go into detail of what happened there because I don't want to drag anyone's names through the mud but it definitely put our relationship through our first struggle.

 

I think Mark and I both had trust issues, insecurity issues, and stuff from our past that was unresolved and that began to rear its ugly head; and we hadn't learned how to trust each other yet, not really.  We hadn't learned how to communicate with each other yet, not really that which was uncomfortable, not with the dark, not with the raw, not with the real, and because of hiding our darkness from each other it began to consume us and separate us.

 

By the time we moved into our apartment the following summer there was a separateness, a division between us, one that went unspoken and one that we didn't know how to navigate and that led Mark to follow his self-destructive path of cheating and that led me to my self-destructive path of criticism and anger. 

 

I remember the first instance of cheating. I was working third shift as a CNA and he was volunteering overnight and I kept getting flashes in my mind of him sleeping with someone else and it hit me like a ton of bricks.  The visions were so intense that they invaded all of my senses at once like I was walking within a dream world and like I had stepped into a portal or another reality and I was seeing it happen and I couldn't do anything about it. After my shift ended I went back home I couldn't get any sleep because every time I would try to fall asleep the same thing would happen, these visions would interrupt my sleep. My heart would race, anxiety would hit me so hard and I would cry. I felt like I was dying, like I was being ripped apart, like my life was literally ending. After about 8 hours I had to get up and get ready for a 2nd shift and as I Was preparing myself for work Mark returned home with her and I just knew.  I confronted him about what had happened and he tried to tell me that nothing had happened, that they didn't have sex but I knew! I knew that something had occurred, I knew that he had abandoned me, I knew that he had been unfaithful, disloyal, I knew that he had separated himself from me energetically and it was after that that everything changed.  My fantasy world fell apart and so did I. I had my first nervous breakdown of our relationship.

 

I ceased to function. I was devastated. I honestly wanted to die. Even today it's hard for me to talk about this it hurts that much. Mark was my everything I had put everything into him. I had honestly believed that he was perfect, that he was my angel, that he was my soulmate, that he would never hurt me, I trusted him implicitly, and I still have not fully recovered. I am recovering though. And with time I suspect that it will become even easier after.

 

I lost my job due to my inability to perform at work. We decided that we were going to try to go back to school together at MCC.  We were going to try to go for the nursing program because I really wanted to further my career in the medical field and he once had dreams of being a doctor.  I thought that we were partnership that we were going to do this together that it was going to be Me and him against the world, a team, and we were going to rebuild what we had lost and it was going to be okay again. What I didn't know at that time was that while I was in class  separate from him or while I was working, he was flirting. He had separated from me so far that he lost sight of me. He was no longer my partner, not in the way that it was, not even  in a healthy polyamorous way.  He wasn't my partner at all.  We happened to be roommates who slept together who also we're planning a wedding.  I was delusional.   I thought we were still in love. 

 

I had my suspicions of course you always do, the intuition speaks loudly we choose to not listen to it.  We hear it loud and clear like a bell tolling in the night and yet we still don't heed the warnings.  While I was planning a wedding Mark was planning an affair. 

 

We got married July 2014, we moved into our house by September 2014, my gallbladder became ill by November 2014, my husband cheated on me for the second time December 2014 with the same woman he had been seeing that he had Met at MCC so he knew her, knew he was attracted to her, flirting with her, seeking her out while we were planning our wedding, when we got married, when I was sick, and none of that made a difference. That December when my gallbladder was sick I was unable to eat,  I was also on narcotics for the pain while waiting for my surgery.  My husband was gone all the time he was either at work or with her.  He would say he had to work Saturdays to make up time for having to take care of me or having to take me to the doctor but he was really out having coffee with her or he was getting up super early in the morning so that he could talk to her on Facebook and that's how I found out that he was cheating, his electronic trail. When I confronted him about it of course he lied and then when I showed him the proof he said "So what." like he didn't care, like I didn't matter, like I never mattered. 

 

I had to stay.  I couldn't leave because I was waiting for surgery to remove my gallbladder and I had to wait until after the New Year, so I asked my ex-husband to take the boys while they were on Christmas vacation because I couldn't handle it.  I couldn't handle being sick and being in pain and having a cheating husband and taking care of two kids by myself with nobody to support me.  While the kids were gone my husband was gone even more and  I sank into a depression, one that I'm still fighting. 

 

One night after I had begged him to reconsider and begged him to think about what we had and to forget all of this nonsense he told me he loved me still and that he was sorry and that he would consider staying with me, but he thought he was in love with her so he needed time to think about it. He told me he would let me know after church on Sunday, so that Sunday after having not slept for several days he left and I waited. I paced the house and I smoked like a chimney, and I did everything I could to pass the time waiting for church to end. 10 came and went, 11 came and went, 12 came and went, and the day passed, the day passed and the sun began to set and it got dark and my husband still was not home. It got darker and then once again 10 came and went, and 11 came and went and my husband still was not home.  So I decided I just needed to try to sleep.  So I walked to the dollar store through my pain,  and I bought some melatonin to try to help myself go to sleep.  But instead of being able to sleep the anxiety kept me awake and I hallucinated, and I hallucinated all kinds of horrible things. I hallucinated demons and babies screaming and women screaming and it was absolutely awful. 

 

Mark didn't come home until after 3 in the morning and when he finally came home he told me that he still didn't have a decision for me and I broke.   

 

This was pure hell.  No sleep, no food, no love, no support, just pure pain in every sense of the word with nothing but the sound of a ticking clock to pass the time and keep me company.  What else was I going to do?  I was too sick to go anywhere I had no car and I had no one. I often thought about killing myself at this point but I knew I couldn't.  My kids needed me, I couldn't do that to them I couldn't hurt them that way. I needed to try to survive somehow and so I made a plan to leave as soon as I recovered from my surgery. I was going to leave him, but by then he started to get a s*** together.  By then he started to show some progress. By then he had ended the affair.  

 

This was my descent into hell.  This where I was stripped naked, down to my bones.  This is where the beginning of the healing from my childhood began even though I couldn't see it yet.  I wouldn't be able to see for a long while yet in fact.  First I had to relearn a few things.  

 

 

 

 

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