Third Stage - Separation
SEPARATION is the third operation of transformation in alchemy.
Psychologically, this process is the rediscovery of our essence and the reclaiming of dream and visionary “gold” previously rejected by the masculine, rational part of our minds. It is, for the most part, a conscious process in which we review formerly hidden material and decide what to discard and what to reintegrate into our refined personality. Much of this shadowy material is things we are ashamed of or were taught to hide away by our parents, churches, and schooling. Separation is letting go of the self-inflicted restraints to our true nature, so we can shine through.
After the affair I was faced with a difficult task of relearning who I am what I really want. Who am I separate from the world, separate from expectations on me, separate from my abuse, separate from everything that I had experienced this far. I had to figure out who I am and what I want and what that means for me.
During this time everybody had an opinion. Everybody had an opinion about what I was experiencing, his experience, what we were going through individually what we're going through together. They even had opinions on what I should be feeling and whether or not I should be allowed to be in pain if I was allowed to have my emotions or not, if I was allowed to be sick or not. Everybody has an opinion. For years I didn't have space for a voice.
I had to find my voice again and I had to find the strength to have my voice again. I had to find it in me to say "No! This is my experience, and you don't know what you're talking about because you're not here, you're not experiencing it you are not me."
I had to seek out the studies and data, I had to find all of the information for myself and I had to separate what was fact from what was fiction. I had to separate the wheat from the chaff myself in my relationship, in my mind, in my reality. I had to do it all for myself and by doing this I was discovering how you listen to my intuition. I was learning to How To love Mark again by learning to understand him and his illness, and by doing this I was learning how to better understand myself.
I was learning compassion for myself where there wasn't any before. I was beginning to understand myself where there wasn't room for understanding before. Where people had made no room for me I was able to learn how to make a room for me. I was learning how to understand my husband's pain, learning how to understand his illness; and by learning how to understand where he was hurting I was learning how to love myself. By learning to advocate for him I was learning how to advocate for me. I still didn't know yet but I was gaining in strength, rebuilding in ways that I hadn't even been built before. I had no idea that all that love, all of that validation that I had sought outside of myself, I was learning to find it because I had made it. My field had to be razed to the ground, I had to experience a forest fire before I could rebuild. In this process of separating everything and trying to figure it all out, of finding those poppy seeds in the pile of sand, I found something precious.
This process with my husband and with my health has taught me a very valuable lesson that my intuition is an incredibly powerful force that is not to be reckoned with. That by listening to my intuition I can have light in the darkness and that light almost always guides me straight no matter how perilous. I will find my way through the darkness if I listen to my intuition. Every time I have listened to my intuition I have found it to be correct. Every time I have felt myself to be lost and alone it is my intuition that has guided me. It is that connection to Source, it is that connection to the Divine, it is that connection to the great ancestral mother that we are born with innate; that drives us, that guides us, and that has has been silenced in us. If you don't already have a strong relationship with your intuition I beg with you to build one.